I used to watch this video over and over again. I am glad to say I can’t relate to this song or video anymore. I really love this video and the imagery used in it. Ben Gibbard apparently wrote it after one of his friends broke into tears realizing that either her or her husband would have to watch the other die. I thought of it differently, at the time. Well, What Sarah Said was always one of “he who shall not be named” favorite songs. Life’s cathartic irony makes me able to look back and laugh, but I wish I saw the signs sooner.

I was talking to Kam about this the other day. He was talking about the mistakes he made, and how he thought certain people were the “one” only to realize how terrible those matches were or would have been. I always knew he wasn’t the one. But I stayed. I loved all of the terrible feelings and drama. Why? Maybe because it gave me “artistic” energy. Some of my best works came out of the worst feelings. I was at a point in my life were I could not hurt myself anymore, but I still wanted pain. I could rely on him, us and our relationship for that hurt. I wouldn’t allow myself to be happy for some reason. We weren’t miserable all the time, but after a certain point we weren’t good together. No one likes to remember the good though. I wish we were able to maintain a friendship, but obviously when you enter new relationships that cannot always happen.

Despite all that, I am glad. I am glad and thankful for everything. Without all of that bullshit in my life I would not be who I am today, or where I am today. I think if things between “he who shall not be named” and I ended sooner I would not have the life I have to day. It scares me to think I might not have met Spinner. I really love what we have together, but I also know it is hard to predict what the future has in store. All I can say is that I am really glad we are together, and whoever does end up with him will be extremely lucky, and I hope that person is me. I have very little doubts that it won’t be me.