worship and tribute

i want to be the girl with the most cake. Instagram

life just feels so unfair sometimes
someone that i worked with several years ago
and was closer with sometime ago because our boyfriends are friends passed away in a tragic car accident
it just feels so surreal, so much keeps happening
it feels like its too much
all i keep thinking about is her poor family and boyfriend
i hope that better place exists and that she wasn’t in pain

seven years ago today my friend passed away in a car accident
he was also my friends brother, and my other friends boyfriend

i wish there was more i could do
and i wish young people didn’t get sick
or got into accidents
because life is hard enough

jimmorrisons-scream asked: I can't possibly begin to understand what you're going through but if you want to vent to a fairly anonymous someone my ask box is always open

Thank you for reaching out. I’ve always moved by how kind strangers have been, especially on Tumblr have been. I may take you up on that offer someday. Thank you again for being so sweet xx

i’ve been so depressed and have almost completely given up hope
i’ve been so lonely
i feel so hopeless

New old man/comfy sweater #hudsonsbay #thebay #immastealyourgrandpasstyle

New old man/comfy sweater #hudsonsbay #thebay #immastealyourgrandpasstyle

Weight vs Wait

I watched the series finale of How I Met Your Mother Last night. I’m not going to complain about the ending. This is more so about how the ending affected me because of what I am going through right now.

As I mentioned in another post, I have been diagnosed with an often fatal rare disease (effecting 1 out of a million people,) with no cure. In December I found out I had some bullshit disease I had never heard of before and that I had a handful of years left.

However, I am doing better, much quicker, than ANYONE anticipated. My progress was not in the cards the doctors originally gave me. I have been surprising the specialists. I, of course, have read every single piece of literature and medical journal about this disease. It seems as if this progress is not likely. I hope I continue on this trail. Actually, fuck that. I know I will. I am going to be a story of hope and success for the next 20 something year old who gets diagnosed with this disease.

When they flashed to the mother in the bed this wave of emotion came over me. My heart dropped to my stomach, this terrible noise came out of my mouth, and I started sobbing into Spencer. For me, I don’t want to leave my loved ones. I don’t want to hurt them. And dying seems scary and lonely. I could see myself in her, perhaps because it hasn’t been all that long since I was in a hospital bed, or having minor surgery on Christmas Eve. Spencer rocked me and I felt a heavy weight on my throat as I tried to stop crying. I don’t want to put him threw this, but we are hopeful that this will be the worse of it. We are hopeful that I can maintain a normal life with this disease. Although it isn’t likely, it is possible, and well…success stories aren’t written about in medical journals.

I don’t want to be sick. I am 26, I don’t want my life to be like this. On Facebook I see my friends getting engaged, having babies, going to teachers college. My life is very different. I spend hours doing shit I think will help me get better, recommended to me by my naturopath. I spend an hour or more walking (I’m on oxygen, so this is a big deal,) I spend over an hour doing castro oil liver pacts, I spend half and hour or more meditating, I journal, I keep a sleep journal, I do more research. I’ve changed my diet (which was healthy in the first place,) I take supplements, I take stuff to detox toxins from my body. I’m fighting for my life, but hey, I think I am winning. It is totally worth it. I suspect in 3-6 months I will be back at work, having a somewhat normal life for my age.

I haven’t died, and I don’t plan to anytime soon. I don’t think it is in the cards for a long time. I have a feeling I will be here for a long, long, long time. But healing, when I was close to death, that was scary, and often lonely, despite having the support of everyone. I need to maintain a positive outlook, and continue to fight, because something is working.